The Incredible Hobson/Transcript
Transcript Yami: Introducing the jiggleometer. The bouncier the boobies, the stronger the reading. It's fun for all the family. Yugi: Man, this virtual world is starting to feel more and more like Tron, only with less motorcycles and more card games. God, my lungs are on fire, it feels like I've been running for days. Yami: Yugi, it's been eight seconds. Yugi: Lay off man, I'm in pretty good shape. I play card games all the time. I'll have you know I can lift two decks at once...that's impressive right. Yami: Keep running Yugi, the plot has to be around here somewhere. Yugi: Yeah...Speaking of which, weren't we in the middle of a tournament when all this crazy Noah s*** started? What exactly happened with all that? Yami: Hmm, maybe the writers went on strike again? Yugi: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, whoa whoa. We have writers? Opening Tea: Thank God I'm no longer surrounded by those loud obnoxious creatures. It was starting to feel like an anime club down there. But what am I supposed to do now? If only there were a convenient dream sequence around here that could show me the way. Yugi: Hey, Tea. Earth to Tea. Hey are you in there? It's your convenient dream sequence. Tea: Hey Yugi. My eyes are freakishly large today. Yugi: Mine too. Hey, look at this card. It's the "Dark Magician Girl" remember how much you like the "Dark Magician Girl"? Tea: No... Actually I think this is the first time I've actually seen this card. Yugi: No no no. You love this card, in fact you love it so much that you once went to a Broadway show all about the "Dark Magician Girl". Critics called it the most poorly conceived musical since Pokémon Live. Tea Wow, at least this is better than Cirque du Soleil. Announcer: And now, how about a volunteer from the audience. 'Tea: Oh crap, I knew I should've worn panties. Hey, it's Yugi and Yami. And they're staring right at my good stuff. This is the happiest day of my-penguin! Penguin: Come with me if you want to live. Tea: Hey, can you introduce me to that one penguin who's voiced by Elijah Wood? He's Dreamy. Penguin: You dare to mock the penguin order?! Tea: Penguins are so cute. I want one. Penguin: I will peck out your eyeballs and feed them to my kin. Tea: Aww, such a cute little guy. Serenity: Ahh, somebody get this F***ing dinosaur away from me. Tristan: What a majestic beast. I must destroy it. Here I come Serenity. Oww, my scroat. This is for killing Littlefoot's mom you jerk. Duke: Hey Baby. Mind if I take your top off real quick? Serenity: Huh? Tristan: Serenity, look. I'm finally becoming a man. *gasp* It wasn't a meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. It was Tristan Timothy Taylor. Serenity: I'm glad I could help cure you, Duke. Duke: The pleasure was all yours. Tristan: But I killed the dinosaur. Morgan Freeman: And so, the Penguin struggles on through unbearable weather conditions. Why does the penguin do this? Nobody knows. But we'll film it, and get Morgan Freeman to narrate the whole thing. And call it, a documentary. That's the beauty, of nature. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go catch Kevin Spacey, with the help, of Brad Pitt. Tea: Where the mother crap is this? Crump: Welcome, Tea Gardner, to Penguinopolis. Home of the mighty penguin empire. Isn't it beautiful, nothing but penguins as far as the eye can see. Crump's the name and penguins are my game. Second member of Team 4kids and head of programming. You remember "Viva Pináta? That was me. Tea: You're insane. Crump: You just don't understand the beauty of the penguin. They're so arrowdynamically perfect. Can't you see it? The shape, the smell 'slurp' the taste of penguins. Penguins. Penguins!! Tea: Are you finished- Crump: Penguins. Tea: Stop saying Penguins! Crump: Can't help it. I Love Penguins. Tea: Eww! Crump: Platonically. Tea: Ohh. Crump: And Physically. Tea: EWW!! Crump: And I love the thought of having my own body even more. And so, Tea Gardner, age 16 sneaker size 6, bra size F, I challenge you to a children's card game. Tea: Wait, how did you get all that information about me? Crump: The Penguins told me. Tea: How the hell do the penguins know my bra size? Crump: The Penguins know everything. Tea: Listen you creepy old man...penguin...thing. I'm not going to duel you and that's final! Crump: Friendship sucks. Tea: Oh, it is on in a matter similar to that in Donkey Kong. Yugi: These doors must be our way out of hear. I'm gonna try one of them. Here goes-Oww. Ugh. Yami: And that Yugi, is what happens when you try to do things on your own. Yugi: That door just bitch slapped me. Yami: Yes, that door may be our greatest foe yet. And..I'm not even kidding. Yugi: Look, the doors all have symbols above them. One star, two stars, three stars and four stars. Yami: Oh lovely, a rejected puzzle from a Prof. Laton game. That's just Fan-Tucking-Fastic. Yugi: OK, there's only one way to solve this problem. By challenging the door to a duel. Yami: Of course. Kaiba: Not long after we were adopted, Gozaburo took us to live with him in his mansion. Gozaburo: Hobson tells me that you haven't been keeping up with your studies. Young Kaiba: Oh you mean the giant faced mutant you have posing as a butler? Hobson: Hobson Smash! Gozaburo: Hobson! No Smash! No! Smash bad! Smash very bad! Hobson: Hobson sorry. Gozaburo: That's better. Now go tend to the silverware. Hobson: Hobson not really sorry. Young Kaiba: Why do you even have me doing all this work? I'm already a child prodigy, what more do you want? Gozaburo: I want you to become every bit as cold hearted as me. I want to project every last bit of my hatred onto you. But most of all I want you to become the vessel of my other dead son. Young Kaiba: What? Gozaburo: Nothing. Young Kaiba: No seriously what? Gozaburo: Nothing. Young Kaiba: No seriously it sounded like you said some-. Gozaburo: Hobson, how's that silverware coming? Hobson: Hobson polishing! Young Mokuba: The way they treat Seto stinks. But I know how to make him smile. Hobson: One day Hobson smash everything! Then Hobson make dad do silverware! Young Mokuba: Hey Hobson, can you give this textbook to Seto? Hobson: Hobson suppose. Young Mokuba: Thanks Hobson. You're the best. Hobson: You nice to Hobson. Hobson not smash you. Young Kaiba: Man, what a day. I don't even want to look at another textbook. Hobson: Hobson have textbook for Seto! Young Kaiba: Go F*** yourself Hobson! Hobson'': Hobson doesn't know how to. '''Young Kaiba: Wait, this book has trading cards inside. Mokuba must have sent them to me. And look, it's a "Blue-Eyes White Dragon". Mokuba made me a "Blue-Eyes" card. One day, I know I'll have the real thing in my deck. And then, when I'm rich, I'll create a duel academy where every kid can go to learn how to play card games. Nah, scratch that idea, it's stupid. Kaiba: Ergh, I want that "Blue-Eyes" card. Mokuba, take it from him. Mokuba: But Seto, that's you. Kaiba: Just do it Mokuba. Tea: I choose the "Dark Magician Girl" as my deck master. Crump: Ahh, now that's what I call a DMILF. Tea: A DMILF? Crump: A Dark Magician I'd Like to- Tea: Yuck! God, what is wrong with you you perverted old creep? Crump: Allow me to tell you an unnecessarily explicit detail. When I was a young boy, the only pet I ever wanted was a penguin. I loved penguins. I respected penguins. I worshiped penguins. Pengins were everything to me. And now that I'm all grown up, guess what I want to be. Tea: A Penguin? Crump: A woman. Tea: Ahh! Crump: That's right. When I take your body, I'll be able to live out my fantasy of being a young teenage girl...In Japan. Tea: The only person who's going to take my body is Yugi and/or Yami.